The line is so far, its a dot to you!

I was thiss close (now imagine the sign for pinchin, put ur thumb n index finger really really close, like micrometer close to know the extent of how close) to callin it quits for good, take up a full time job in the company where I work part time to count money by the hour, however small it may be and lose all purpose of initiatin somethin that I thought I could have done without before gettin thiss close to callin it quits!! And then somethin happens that doesn't really serve any friggin purpose, but still made me think that the initiation was worth it, maybe not completely, but even to a tiny little extent. It may come to a point where it feels it is absolutely worth it, provided events transpire in the ambitious way that i'm hopin it would transpire.. ah what the heck, maybe thats a long way off.. but to get back to that feelin, is great!

Sometimes you just need to bounce off ideas from someone you can really talk to. An hour long conversation, of which I took away a considerable part was all it took for that tiny little spark to ignite, or should i say reignite the fire that was so badly needed.

Achievement is a big thing they say. The extent of it and the relevance varies obviously, but from a personal standpoint it is important. Probably for most thats what keeps them going. But this is somethin that goes one notch above achievement. For one thing, achievement was always on the cards, an eventuality which was bound to come sooner or later, but the journey seemed so damn arduous that u'd think whats the point gettin there, which leads back to the feelings of calling it quits.. then comes that one little attempt to gasp over the finish line - the good part being the little digit of the tallest finger did cross - just in the nick of time! Achievement it is - but the end result being contentment, reassurance and 8 months of work paid off coz of one final hour of energy burst! Its almost unjust that 8 months of doubt gets clarified with one hour of work but in hindsight, that hour wouldnt ve existed if not for those 8 months..

Luckily I had the fortune of sharin that moment with the people who made it happen and then share the joy with one long loonnggg long distance call. This, I would relive over n over again, hope there's more to come!

There's a rock, slime underneath, 50 feet of crap and then there's me!

Been wakin up the last 2 days with this thought stuck.. What is it like in hell?? To think of it, hell s a word which i'd use unwittingly as a passin off, filler, stop gap, inconsequential, almost innocuous word in a random sentence if it ever elicited the word's use.. which goes to say i dont really believe in it, but it still comes up in a conversation like say - to hell with u; go to hell dude/dudette; oh hell, what the hell have I done? ; its hellishly cold outside! oh wait, thats what hell might be like - cold!!!

All this still comes back to the fact that am stuck wonderin abt hell when i'd not give a damn abt it even if i were usin it in some random aforementioned sentences! Now why am i worried abt it all of a sudden,, now,, when everythin seems to be goin just fine for a change?

It roots back to a firm belief that I do have - Karma! Even though i dont believe in heaven/hell concept, i do believe in Karma, the consequence of which might imply heaven/hell tickets.. But even if thats implied, i'd always think if i do somethin wrong, i'll get it back EXACTLY the same way that i did wrong to whomsoever, from whomsoever else! and its proven me right every single time.. Some non-believer might say that life's tooooooooooo big where u'd pretty much experience all the experiences there is to experience and all the bad experiences are just that - bad - it comes with no strings attached.. now this theory might be true, dont u think? come on, face it, at the end of one single, even uneventful day, there's quite a lot u wud ve faced and some, if not most, will definitely bound to be bad, which would make the theory of the non-believer quite accurate!

Even though this theory is theorized (valid word is it?) by me, i'm not a non-believer, like i said before, i do believe in karma.. and sadly, my memory is too good when it comes to rememberin all the shitty things i've done, just to be alert that when i face it back myself - thanks to the karma gods - i can strike it off my "to be experienced soon" list! And thus it makes me happy and i look forward to leadin a clean life jus so i can avoid all the possible future bad deeds tracin back to me by the good karma lords! and so, the non-believer's theory might come with strings attached after all! n those strings are pretty darn strongly strung! (right word again is it?? need a guitarist here!)

This system has worked quite well, trust me, i've had no worries whatsoever.. Its good to be afraid this way if u ask me, u'll keep urself in check, u wont do anythin bad, the universe will keep spinnin bright n shiny and there will be no bad things comin ur way, unless u've done some shitty thing ur past life (now thats a whole new ball game, no dwellin into that, this blog entry pertains to current life damages caused only).. n this fear is gooooood! In fact I think if all parents apply this rule and inculcate that into their children, the world will be a better place to live in, of cos its gettin better due to the fear, but wat the heck, as long as its better, who cares how its better, aint it??

This fool-proof (or is it full proof? damn my knowledge sucks) system has worked wonders for me all my life.. no doubt i've done a LOTTA bad things, but i've got it back every single time,, every single frickin time, which keeps me in check to not repeat it again.. and i'm pretty proud of it cos it definitely stops me every single time i think of steppin into the "dark side"!

But i'm failin my own developed system.. pretty badly.. i've expressed the desire to do everythin bad and worse and it is materializin! n there's no stoppin or comin back from it.. how do i escape the karma gods from this?? i'm shit scared of the gods gettin back at me for this., n when they do get back at me, i'll be scarred for life!

Has anyone seen the video called "the secret"? i have.. it talks abt the law of attraction.. u supposedly jus have to believe and think abt 'it' and it ll get attracted to u.. i believe and think abt karma and i believe n think it ll get back at me.. the secret is gonna work wonders here.. am sooooooooooooo screwed!! :(

Wen i eventually get screwed n look back at this post, i'll definitely think - was it worth it all?? maybe not.. definitely not.. too deep down in the dumpster to walk out of it now.. :-(

Love is all around me!

Nope, no likin towards the song watsoever.. i do like romantic songs, country songs, slow,peaceful songs, but this doesn fit the bill.. But thats the feelin i've had all day today!! started a disaster, but couldnt ve ended any better.. no wait, it could have, but that dint happen.. Am not askin for much really, jus statin facts as it is..

Amazing how little things can soak u wet with emotions! started off with a msg from a very dear frien who jus left melbourne! :( now am really upset she's not arnd.. but i dont have a say in it, it sucks, but nothin i can do abt it! Now she's as sentimentally damaged as i am! the msg i got from her made my day.. i got up with a feelin of not leavin the bed for life.. But this sprang me right up! I always knew it, but to read it a way she wrote it, i really must ve done somethin amazingly right! Then there was the queue at a bus stop.. where this very pretty girl, very very cute, was standin with a tall bloke.. I interrupted him askin if the bus goes to footscray, he said yes, then i ask - really? he says yes dismissively.. then i ask - hey man, tell me seriously, i ve never been to this area before, does it go to the footscray station?? he breaks the conversation with the cute girl, smiles at me, very genuinely and tells me as nicely as he could - yes bro, it does go to footscray, a 5 minute ride, dont u worry.. i felt so guilty, i thot if i apologized, i'll be stealin some more time of his with his girl.. so i kept quite.. But he was right behind, well within earshot (i was not eavesdroppin okay?) when his girl says, alright u carry on, ll leave.. he goes- i'll wait till u enter.. haha.. now really, these kids must not be a day older than 19, but that was such a sweet gesture.. the girl made it a point to tell him that! I couldn't help but smile!

I then had to go meet my consultant, Erica, an extremely considerate, kind woman! I told her of the probs i faced talkin to an indian DLU officer, we had such a good laugh imaginin that! Its rare u get to see a woman laugh wholeheartedly, without chinta! N there i was, recountin my story, which was rather funny, but i had the privilege of watchin her laugh! I was shit tired until that point, that kinda refreshed me totally! She passed me of on an assigment which i wasn't actually willin to take up, had it not been for her laugh! Besides, it was in a suburb where my cheta works.. pattikad he calls it! so i had to go see it for myself! :-) Yyaannyyways, for this assignment i expected to meet another recluse kid where i'd jus finish my tasks n vacate.. But there comes the happiest lookin two people on the planet! There's a guy on this wheelchair, bein rolled by his sister.. And they looked sooo content! U cud literally see the content on their faces!

His sister led me to my seat.. the sheer mannerism with which she did that, i was left stunned! I couldn't help but think of my own sis! She tended to his every little need.. Every little tiny puny thing! That was 4 hours of my evenin, tired, long day's long evenin, which seemed like 4 mins at the end of it! There i was, doin math n watchin this amazin girl take such good care of her brother.. U had to see it to believe it.. Its injustice to the core if i rant off her actions one after another.. There's a sayin that eyes talk a lot.. Here she was, she dint just talk, she showered love on her brother without even utterin a word! To experience affection is one thing, where u take it for granted, so u dont realize the true extent of it, but to see it first hand, is a different thing altogether.. and i'm privileged to have been able to see that in a person soo dearly! I did a few things which am technically not supposed to do, but i couldnt stop myself from it! If it lands me in trouble, so be it.. I'd give an arm and a leg to spend another day with those two!

On the way back, it got me thinkin.. u see its 2nd september, a very special day for me.. hey, really, there's no meanin attached.. i always say that for everythin to happen, there's a reason behind it.. n the reason means somethin that makes it happen to begin with! But here i am, derivin no meanin, no reason either.. but the thot of the day does always bring a smile on my face! While all this was runnin thru, i was readin a newspaper to distract myself from this.. but it doesn leave u, does it? there was a column which read "i see you".. where people can leave msgs, coded or uncoded to other people based on somethin the previous day.. for eg, one of em read - "hey, i'm the guy who sits beside u every mornin at the parliament railway station, i really think ur very pretty, i'd like to know u more, so how abt a hi tomorrow mornin??"
Now how cool is that? Reflects a lot on hope doesn it? He writes this, which only she wud get n he's not even sure if she wud read this column! to my surprise, there were a dozen others like this! So it put me right back where i dint wanna be - lost in thoughts!! thats when i decided come wat may, this has to go up today.. Am dead tired, half sleepy, i've an idea of wat am writin, but no clue as to how am writin, yet its good enough to drive me to type this in the middle of the night! Somehow, the overwhelmin day i had will never get past me.. I wish i can relive this just one more time, in an infinite loop! heh.. jab bhagwan deta hai, chapppad phaadke deta hai.. so damn true.. i have enough today which just refuses to sink in, not that am tryin to, but it does sooner or later, doesn't it? Here it just doesnt seem likely!!! :D

I cant help but think, there's no limit to how much u can give.. now is there? We tend to hold back for so many reasons - Money constraints, to avoid bein taken for granted, to not give wrong ideas, to not particularly make anyone's day, just dont feel up to it, there's no reason why u shud to start off with, the reasons or the lack of reasons are innumerable! But thats the whole point - why shud u find a reason to give? Jus give! the joy in it jus cant be measured.. n it lasts forever.. longer than glory, coz they say, no matter how brief, glory lasts forever.. I say, this lasts beyond that! There's no such thing as gettin back as much as u give, givin in itself is gettin back aplenty! So watever u'd like to put under gettin back, i'd put under the bonus section! I saw a small glimpse of that today, i saw wats truly bein happy feels like, i saw wat truly givin happiness to someone feels like.. Yes, its a wonderful world! :)

Comfort and peace!

This, i got started typin long long ago, left it midway for a reason i couldnt remember until just now.. N i just remembered that twas coz of not havin the comfort of finishin it then! heh..

These are the two things that matter a lot for one to live peacefully, dont they? It is unidirectionally symbiotic! or in other words, the latter depends on the former. Without the former, to attain the latter, u've to be in a world of opposite of the former! (that doesn make sense)

But well, thats pretty much the situation i am in, in this lost world, tryin to gain somethin which at some level, is always very precious for me!! To begin with, i was always in a world of comfort! and wen ur in it for too long, u take things for granted.. only wen u get out of it, u realize the true worth of all the people responsible for u to be in there to begin with!! full circle eh??
Either ways, in order to chase the thing i call precious, i've to let go of both the former n latter, jus delete it! Or in better words, ignore the want for it.. Sooner or later, u get used to not havin to think about it and the circumstances around u ease into the definition of havin it!

N thats exactly where i find myself now.. Like the way my ex-roomie/good budd put it, increase the threshold for ur tolerance and forget it, u'll find things a hell of a lot more pleasant.. And other important things take a higher priority and everythin continues like it always has.. Lesson learnt - take things as it come! everythin ll turn out just fine..

That's a lesson i learnt in the most beautiful way possible! Though pain was attached at the other end, the outcome was lovely nonetheless.. Life has a way of givin things back to u.. I had let go, given up, forgotten about the thing naggin n bam.. I got it right back! Ergo, i continue to not bother.. Everything is perfectly welcome, waitin with my arms wide open! :-)

Bright n light!

Ahh.. had almost given up on bloggin.. not given up per se, but there was no reason i could find to log on n type! there's none today either.. but if there's no reason to not log on, there might as well be no reason to log on anyways.. and rant away!

Now i really wanna know if its jus me or does everyone who've ever dreamt of somethin n havin nearly gotten it (or on the pathway to it) feel so, particularly for those who go study masters abroad - IS IT REALLY WORTH IT? Does spendin all that money on education, livin expenses, livin with unmentionable-permanent-damage-causin-expletives sorta people, studyin (like 4 years of VTU wasnt enough) et cetera et cetera account to anythin? I know everyone feels this sooner or later in their lives, but its a naggin thought nonetheless! But guess wat? few things happened in the last few days which makes me feel - HELL YEAH, DEFINITELY WORTH IT!!!

I had this feelin a long time ago, jus before my 2nd sem started, but it all went straight to hell, now its kinda back up again.. and its a damn good feelin!!!! I left home today, luggin my laptop of which i had no great use, in other words, i had a heavy load on me! Yet, events transpired that made me sooo light! Now there are two people here in Mel whom i'd wanna share it with.. One's gone back for good to India, another s too busy finishin up assignments due in 4 hrs! Turned out, Yarra was my best mate (pun intended)! :) For anyone who's been to Mel, u know wat am talkin abt! Had the most liberating feelin at the end of it.. The best part is, an hour long quiet chat with Yarra, a 5 buck tip to the bagpiper who kept me company, a long walk back home and a beautiful movie later, its still not over!!

Evidently, am thinkin straight after a long long long time.. I prefer tracin back.. tracin back happens in my head by default, n until today i dint know there was another settin that existed, but there u go.. I'm leadin up rather than thinkin back! and yet, i've not yet come to a conclusion, coz u know, there needn't be one! Things are gonna unfold however the heck its going to.. Am jus waitin up to see how it does, oh heck, waitin is not the word, but its nice! :) To all my sweethearts, u know who u are, Thank You!

Love the song by Nelly Furtado - "why do all good things come to an end?"
Makes so much sense, the song. Time to throw in the cliche - change is the only constant in the world - which many ppl have told me in the past few days, if not weeks. Yea i know, i understand all that, but its the hardest to come to terms with.

This has been playin on my mind all along, which finally is materializin to words, thanks to prison break. All the random half, incomplete or pointless-until-now thoughts came gushin by which made perfect sense, coz i spent all day thinkin about it. I've 2 major reports due by the end of the night and there's bangalore playin a match at the end of the night, but here i am, thinkin about why, how and how perfectly it makes sense - which increases the pain by that much more.

You grow up gettin used to things around you, some u like, some u really loathe. But the bottom line is, u get used to it nonetheless. What happens when that changes? if its somethin u loathe, u welcome it, even thou somewhere deep inside, u dint want it to change, but if its somethin u really really love, how in the bloody hell is it dealt with??

Now i've been away for more than 3 months, which is a lot! and this is growing into me exponentially, which reflects in everythin i do! and all this is a result of the procastination that i keep doin.. When i faced a change that i dint want, i always chose to deal with it sometime later.. be it breakin of a beautiful frienship, creatin another one, breakin away from that, leavin ppl behind, gettin un-used to not havin my ppl arnd, dealin with news i dint wanna hear, finishin somethin jus coz i had to which i wud ve otherwise preferred to stretch jus so as to not miss it wen it aint there and a gazillion other things.

The result of the postponin is overwhelmin! All of it reflected in one shot which i'm not built to withstand! and of all the triggers to make me realize that i've pushed it too far, it had to be prison break! (Oh if ur wonderin wat that has gotta do with this, jus watch it.. If everyone had a support system like Michael does, the world ll be a better place!) But well, what do u know, the implications faced aint fair at all, nothin ever is, atleast not in ur favour coz if not u, there's always another beneficiary. But here, i cant even figure out who the beneficiary is! and if i can in some cases, i dont like it! aarrggghhh.. i sound like a li'l kid frettin over a toy.. but if the kid knows that it aint gonna be his/hers (i'm not a sexist!), the sense of loss is huge!!

Now imagine the sense of loss for a grown up, reasonably mature young fella. Not like i've lost nethin, jus that i'm lost myself. And in that process, everythin i do seems pointless.. why? coz without all the things that i've grown up soooo used to, everythin else is vague.. To put a meanin to the purpose i'm tryin to achieve, some recircuitry in my brain is needed. Until i figure that out, this is jus a way of sayin it out loud to express all that i want.. Miss those, a lot, to a point where the mere thought of it makes me go limp.. I'd rather be there n have it than stay away n say i miss it, but sadly, its not an option for now, which i've to learn to live with.. For all those who ve made a difference in my life (u know it!), thanks! I couldnt ve possibly meant it more, but i really am greatful. lol - and that stands for lots of love!

Now that the objective is attained.... what was the objective again??

After a series of unfortunate events [1], i was under the impression that the 1st amongst all the events that took place was an inference from the objective that was attained and it was the most obvious part of the deal on the planet. Now i wonder, what the heck was the objective to begin with?

Well, its a passed on knowledge that when there's somethin u really like, try ur best to get it, but when the time comes to let it go, just let it go. This theory goes unquestioned, which holds good for the subconscious, so it never frickin occurs to the f-in head that u have all the rights to question it! where's the proof mate? So heck, i tried all i could to keep it dear to me. An acknowledgement for the effort was definitely there and that did it all. The acknowledgement as per the theory was proof enough to let go and so i did! Now after a series of unfortunate events (refer[1] again), i do realize that the acknowledgement was needed not for the effort, nay! twas needed for the answer that infers from the effort!

Now comes the big question...... Do i put in the effort again?

References:-
[1] lemony snicket's book

ps:- Its insane the kinda marks u lose for not quoting the references used! give it a break man.. so i've made it a point to quote references wherever i use em!
pps:- some ppl are gonna have mighty long conversations with me if i use the above made statement to my daily colloquy! ;-)